My story.. Not Done.. What do you think?

Question by Coolone: My story.. Not Done.. What do you think?
Be as critical as possible. Constuctive critiscism please. I was bored one day and had to let out everything XD. Sorry its really long. But 30 minutes tops to read. Tell me what i need to improve. I’ve been trying to make best fight scenes in words. So try to help me on that. Thank you in advance
__________________________________________________________
The sparks of the blades flew wildly around the arena and the sounds of the two clashing weapons echoed the fields. The warrior wielding the spear ducked under the reckless swing of the sword from a warrior to the right. The warrior with the spear did an easy smooth sweep with his spear bringing the swordsman down to the ground. The spearman flawlessly pointed the tip of his spear at the tip of the foe’s throat. The swordsman dropped his sword signaling defeat, and honor. The crowd cheered wildly throwing in flowers, and praising the great warrior.

“Clinks The Mighty Spearman has defeated Brunts The Brute,” announced the ringmaster.

I watched Clinks with great admiration and jealousy. I wished I could join the same clan as he, The Centurions. You must be 18 years of age to join this certain clan and I will soon become 18. In a month’s worth of days. My name is Roy Maglonia, and my cottage is just north of the battle ring. And every year several Clans from different kingdoms come here to battle and see whose clan is the best. Clinks is from The Centurions, and the Vice Knight. He controls every other warrior in the clan besides The Head Knight. Clans never let anyone know who their Head Knight is, as it is disrespecting, and dishonoring their leader.
I walked off the benches and headed towards my cottage because the battle is over and The Centurions are the champions of this years battle. I live with my aunt and uncle, my mom and dad are always away doing “business” outside our land, Peronox.

“That was an amazing battle!”; “Centurions won again Aunt Claudia!” I yelled as I entered through our front door.
My aunt replied with an uninterested tone “That’s good Roy, now go shower up and get ready for lunch.”
“Ughh, yes Aunt Claudia.”

A fresh aroma struck my overly sensitive nose, and I instantly recognized it. It was my aunt’s specialty… Tomato soup with a huge variety of other vegetables and slices of pineapple, added with chicken strips. The soup had a reddish glow due to the large quantities of tomato. The soup itself was beyond delicious it was ravishing.
I just finished my thirds as a shrieking sound pierced Peronox’s clean calm air. My aunt shocked, I ran outside to find a young lady about the age 20-25 with an arrow through her back, with blood gushing down here spine. I quickly ran to her for aid, but I could tell she has lost too much blood to live, or live functionally ever again. Last thing she said The… The… Mayai… ins. That name struck my head like a sword striking on a bell, and I realized the Mayaians are taking their revenge for losing to the Centurions. I thought to myself “ What sore losers!” I ran back to my aunt and asked where Uncle Rob was.

“He is in the fields gathering some corn,” she said sounding like she has lost all her breath.
“What is going on Roy, what was that sound!”
“ You need to find Rob and run! I’ll meet you at Westclock Lake.”

She seemed to notice the urgency in my eyes so she stood up immediately and ran towards the fields. I ran out to warn everyone that the Mayaians Clan is taking their revenge and telling everyone to run! In the distance I could tell there is a raging fire going through the center of Peronox.

“Ahhhhhhhh, spare me, nooo spare my boy,” that was all I could hear the pleading of the villagers and the yells of death.

I ran towards the center and picked up a sword from a nearby wounded Mayaian warrior. The sword weighed me down greatly and the handle couldn’t be any rustier. The blade of the sword was dulled out and the tip was no longer sharp. I ran to the nearest Mayaian and struck him on the back with the sword sending him forward into the flames. Two other Mayaians noticed me and charged towards me with their sword slung on their back for a powerful forward swipe. Not knowing what to do I charged forward as well, with the dull tip of my sword ahead and my eyes half closed. The two swords swung at me at the same time, and the two swords stuck together and stopped right in front of me. I did a quick roll and swept the two warriors of their feet and ran the other direction. In front of me I could see a corrupted warrior with eyes of death. It was Brunts, the losing warrior from the annual battle.
I stepped back slightly stunned from the sight of this monster and I nearly tripped over an arrow. Brunts smirked and I could tell that he wasn’t going to spare me. His sword was a true warrior’s weapon sharp as can be and perfect height to slay a warrior. I stared in horror as he ran towards me with his sword. I stood up in “my own” ready stance and when his sword struck m

Best answer:

Answer by xColourxMexPrettyx
it doesn’t take 30 minutes to read.
and quite frankly,
it didn’t capture my attention.
sorry.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!




One Response to “My story.. Not Done.. What do you think?”

  1. Archuleta Fan says:

    you need a better , more enticing, opener


Powered by Yahoo! Answers