A hearing loss problem has knock-on effects

my real gay agenda before now and my new agenda: olgin & chapa vigil, jane warner plaza, castro san francisco (2012)
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my old gay agenda:

i wanted to be welcome in my family.

i wanted to be loved.

i wanted to let people know that i’m not a pedophile, a rapist or a domestic sexual abuser of others.

you see, i’m just a man who has always been physically and sexually inclined toward my own sex.

i’ve never coerced or manipulated men into sex against their will.

i don’t desire any of my male friends in a sexual way and never have — i codified my life in order to survive without oppressing others (one of the first rules was NEVER have friends that i found sexually arousing. it doesn’t even occur to me to think of them that way).

but apparently my gay agenda isn’t enough to get me what i want.

so now my new gay agenda is to be free from the constraints of wanting things i can’t have.

i can’t have my family.

i can’t always be loved by others, especially bigots.

i can’t stop heterosexuals from making up fantastical imagery about pedophilia and man-on-man rape. i can’t change the ugliness inside others.

so a big part of my new gay agenda is to just keep on being gay and doing it with the same energy and the same joy and the same love that i have when i don’t feel so damn oppressed by others!!!!

AND to keep working toward expanding the dialogue about human sexuality, fully aware that those who have never experienced oppression of a violent nature simply can’t relate to the terror. it stays distant and quarantined.

many people haven’t spent a lifetime fighting against the threat of lethal, viral diseases being intentionally introduced into human populations. things like AIDS and HIV are just words, tall letters. this isn’t south africa, after all.

but if we’re honest and not afraid to look into the heart of our own darkness, we all know in our true hearts that there is absolutely NO MYSTERY as to why our focus in the news media in this country throughout the 80s was so completely directed at apartheid, right?!

it was because they were hiding the infection rate of AIDS behind a curtain of politicks about equality and liberation.

while u.s. citizens watched and cheered for sanctions and other such barbarities, the infection rate was moving so fast through the communities and townships. and they knew it and encouraged it.

millions have already died and millions and millions more are infected. by the time this infection is contained it will be among the largest genocides of the last century.

follow the politicks, it was not just a trail of crumbs. it was a bakery feast for corporations.

from wiki:

"The 2007 UNAIDS report estimated that 5,700,000 South Africans had HIV/AIDS, or just under 12% of South Africa’s population of 48 million.[1] In the adult population, excluding children, the rate is 18.10%.[2] The number of infected is larger than in any other single country in the world. The other top five countries with the highest HIV/AIDS prevalence are all neighbours of South Africa."

according to the information we have available at our fingertips (literally, it’s just like math), the polio vaccine was used in south africa in as early as 1960.

from our information banks in the inoculation department, we know that the almost exact average incubation time for most forms of Multiple Sclerosis (MS) takes 23 years inside the body before it is strong enough to attack the central nervous system — that is, original subcutaneous introduction of a foreign cross-species virus takes almost exactly 23 years.

the medical storytellers don’t know why that’s such a relevant number, but MS is a whole slough of different cross-species infections under an umbrellaed category of description. MS literally means "many scars". so there are severity levels as well as plain old anomalies that affect each individual’s ability to fight off the virus and keep it from resurfacing/returning to their home base inside the body.

woman are much more susceptible to these viruses than men. they account for a large percentage of people who have MS. they are also much more susceptible to AIDS/HIV transmission. because of the extreme prejudice that was leveled against homosexual men in this country, many people in the u.s. don’t know that women are the primary group of carriers, transmitters and casualties.

MS ONLY occurs in areas where subcutaneous injections have been administered. it is an injected disease/virus. it has never occurred any where else in the world unless some other subcutaneous/open wound-infection occurred simultaneously, simulating the same process of injection.

and, if you want to go there, the whole "sex with monkeys", "tainted monkey meat" stories/false myths…

IMO, these are intentional red herrings (the kind that karl rove got paid to create during the bush dynasty) that appeal only to a salacious mind but could NEVER account for even the smallest outbreak, let alone a massive pandemic. if you run the numbers, AIDS/HIV in africa would have a history like hemophilia — a slow creeper that takes generations to identify and target and understand because the victim ratio is so darn slight.

in this case, occam’s razor is as sharp and direct as a syringe needle… you don’ have to be a genius to know that if you grow vaccines on monkey livers in laboratories and they are sick, inferior and infected body parts, a cross-species disease is actually inevitably going to be manufactured if you inject a population with a spoiled batch of the vaccine grown with the defect.

you see, were not supposed to be growing shit on monkey livers in the first place, if you know what i mean. it’s serious black magick in a modern age. these are the satanists at work.

where doctors and their needles haven’t been, no MS. the "hot spots" are all in areas of the world that have been vaccined/inoculated. scotland is the epicenter and first example of the dangers of subcutaneous injection and the hidden, lurking disorders which come from cross-species transmission.

many people are inoculated at birth. these are the that can contract MS at the age of 23. generally, a lot of people contract in their mid thirties, meaning they got their booster shots when they were around eleven or twelve.

my first long term partner had his first flare up of MS when he was 35. so i asked him after doing intensive studying about his inoculation history. nothing matched up. so i kept at it. i kept bugging him about needles and any exposure. well, as it turns out, he worked for his father in a veterinarian clinic. one of his jobs in his early teens was to dump the bucket that contained the dirty syringes from healthy and sick animals that had blood draws.

his father never gave him gloves to do this task and he was stab many times with needles. his left hand is the injury site for his MS.

i’m not sure if it was his first flare up or second flare up, but the simple of act of learning to play the guitar for the first time was enough of intensive stress injury to set it off.

protection of the original injection/injury site is essential to preventing future flare ups. interferon tactics also became an important part of dealing with a viral component that attacks the nervous system — if you create the illusion or actuality of an injury, the body will not return to the original injury site to try and fix it, but will instead chase off after the interfering injury. for a year or so, my partner injected himself with chinese rat uterus particulates to cause this "fake injury", which of course freaked me out, because it’s cross-species stuff all over again…

basically it’s a bit like running a zoo. and i think western medicine, when integrated with the mythos of ‘the 10,000 composing one" from old chinese philosophy, will undergo intelligent developments which could cure all manner of outside infections because we will learn how to target it, reach it and extract it without destroying the body in the process.

this stuff is literally legos and building blocks obscured by ridiculous scientific blundering. the body is a lot like a network road system that came pre-formatted. things like surgery and x-rays have allowed the medical industry to prosper in ludicrous ways while simultaneously setting back the solutions for resolving cancer and viral disease by almost an entire century!!!!

the corporate agenda for using machines and appliances (all supported and funded and created by the energy cartels) is well known. curing cancer won’t build a hospital, but not curing cancer will! see, it’s easy!!! 🙂

back to point — we also know that an injury to the needle-point site (where the virus was introduced subcutaneously) usually precipitates the first flare up. these are "known facts" according to the western scientists.

the same could easily be true of injecting the AIDS virus directly into a human. it most likely is. we have enough examples and the strain is supposedly in the jonas salk institute and could be tested. at least it was in the 90s.

so first we have the original injection of the virus into the human system.

next, we have the "transmission" of that virus from one human to another.

with AIDS/HIV, we know that "You can then be symptom-free for even 10 years or so, before you develop complications of a weakened immune system. These symptoms are more varied and include serious infections. People may develop weight loss, fevers, tiredness, and a host of other infections."

in a place like south africa, actually being able to identify and diagnose the disease is even harder. it took u.s. deaths of homosexuals and hemophiliacs and drug addicts to ignite a battle against the unknown — so you can see why the whole "dead prostitute" issue of concern is embedded in our hearts. as minorities, south africans, homosexuals, hemophiliacs and drug addicts aren’t exactly on many people’s "to fight for list". not like uranium 238!!!! that’s on EVERYBODY’S list!!!!

"During this period the supply and evaluation of the live polio vaccine became increasingly caught up in international politics and "cold war" rivalries. A variety of countries hosted live vaccine field trials based on competing vaccine strains, although Sabin’s seemed the safest. In 1959, Sabin attracted the most attention when the Soviet Union vaccinated its entire population, especially 10 million children under 15, with his vaccine and then offered to give it away to any country willing to accept it.

"By June 1960, Sabin’s vaccine had been given to over 50 million people in the Soviet Union, China, Czechoslovakia, the US, Canada and Mexico, Singapore, Africa, the United Kingdom and various other European countries. Rival live vaccines developed by Koprowski and Cox had also been used widely. Some 7 million people had received Koprowski’s vaccine in Africa, Poland and the US, while 2 million had been fed the Cox type in Latin America, Europe and the US."


we also know from "basic history" and wikipedia (this is basic enough, you can research it and prove it wrong if you don’t believe):

"In 1983, AIDS was diagnosed for the first time in two patients in South Africa.[20] The first recorded death owing to AIDS occurred in 1983.[20] By 1986, there were 46 recorded AIDS diagnoses. Estimates from 2000 indicated that 5% of actual infections and only 1% of actual deaths due to AIDS were reported prior to 1990. Prior to 1990, AIDS was more common among homosexual people. By 1990, less than 1% of South Africans had AIDS. By 1996, the figure stood at around 3% and by 1999 the figure had reached 10%.[21] AIDS infection started reaching pandemic proportions around 1995.[22]"

our basic math here is that right around 1962 bad batches of the vaccine were used in south africa.

so, not to wake up anybody up, it’s not like a lot of people didn’t know that this was happening, it was just hard to prove. we didn’t have the numbers and the knowledge and the culprits were hiding everything they could — even using nelson mandela as a figure-headed prop. it was a really bizarre to be alive and baffled by the freaky circus show.

and again, i hate that my new agenda of letting go of the things i really wanted has taken the emotional devastation that comes from knowing a young woman was shot dead and another shot down.

it bummed me out that the very anti-humaness of these kinds of action is something all humans aren’t interested in abandoning and moving past as a cohesive force toward more than petty murder and callous, protected stances of naivety.

but i am so naive, too. and we get what we get. it’s what we give that matters. and my cousin helped me to see this. and my family does love me.
she told me to use caution when approaching difficult things and/or disagreements.
in the past i have just gone and thrown caution to the wind.


i don’t know. i was having a difficult time getting over the idea of the 8 hours that past between the shooting and the discovery of their bodies. it makes me wonder all sorts of things that the news information obfuscates and intentionally leaves out. but those eight hours are like a movie to me. a soundtrack. my heart can hear it. and i don’t know or understand why others don’t hear it also.

some of the lash-back anti-gay sentiment to this horrible incident has claimed that the homosexual community is using the murder for "their own" political purposes. but, in the same paragraph, the same writer says that homosexuals are hypocrites for not joining others in vigils for young black men or latinos or asians, etc. of course, my experience is that homosexuals are actually present at vigils of all kinds because as an oppressed people, we understand the nature of oppression and the need to stand against it in all the forms it takes, not just the selective conveniences of our "kind". murder is murder and certain people stand up.

so in one breath we are told we are exploiting the event, but on the other hand while other communities are allowed to have vigils, we’re not?! this is bigoted logic. this is sign of a failed mental grammar. and people with failed mental grammars give a lot away without being aware of it.

in france, the study and reasoning of how people form their unique grammars is considered much more valuable than it is here in the states. they actually use people who are skilled in this art to profile and assess employees and workers of all kind, i’ve been told.

for example, let’ do an exercise that relates to this specific murder case.

what if it had been you?

would you want your case, even though you were dead, to be given a fair shot in every way?
would you want thorough and thoughtful attention to the details of your crime?
would you want the police to give you the same shot at having your murderer caught and tried with due process?

no matter who you are, if you can answer yes to any of the above questions, we shouldn’t have anymore failed grammar issues on the topic.

for me, i just hate that more young people have more super bad memories to add to their minds.

this incident put a real divot in my heart.

i guess i’m getting better now, but it just really bums me out.

i read that the proximity of portland to corpus christi and the mexican drug runners is so close and the description of the assailant is vague enough to be almost any shorter dude — 5’8", 140#, dark hair, etc. (though i’m actually surprised nobody’s been saying that that’s a pretty good description for one of the lesbian looks…), that an id could be virtually impossible if chapa didn’t know the murderer.

i figure if they don’t know by now, oh well. but just maybe!??! maybe they’ll catch the person so that person can’t do it again. so that person can’t take another person’s life.

in the meantime, i’m wishing mary a speedy recovery.
i don’t know you and life should have let our lack of knowledge of each other be a peaceful thing, but it didn’t.
i can’t help thinking about your new life, your new gay agenda.

i have a friend who was shot in the chest during a robbery when he was about this teenager’s age.
the scars are there forever.
and there’s a shyness, too, a lifetime of much greater caution.


how do you survive with that kind of a memory?
how do you just get over the fact that somebody shot you and murdered someone you love?

i don’t get it.

i don’t understand this world…

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